Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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