Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
