I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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