This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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