I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
