You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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