I puked a lego.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
