Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
