yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
