omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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