I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
