just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
