If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
