just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
