Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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