remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
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I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
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Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.