the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
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He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate