on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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