I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
