I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
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Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
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Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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