Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
