DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
