ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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