I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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