No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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