I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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