Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
