just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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