i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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