This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
