Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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