Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
