I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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