Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
