So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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