I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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