Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
