Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you traded sex for a burrito?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
