Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
