If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup