I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
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I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
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She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon