hotel room ftw
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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