Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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