I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
