that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
