Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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