just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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