i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
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Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
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i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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