I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
what day is it and did you see me today?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
