i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
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