she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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