i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
