I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
