You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
