We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
